Wednesday, 1 June 2016

The book, the boat and the wobbles

This was me last Friday when we had a wonderful morning's sail. Moll also was allowed on deck as it wasn't windy and she loved it too.
Actually it doesn't look as if she is there, but once she'd settled, either on Mr B's lap or found her own little sunbathing spot, she was very happy to be in the sunshine with us.

I have a huge amount to learn, so told Mr B that he must be patient. Being shouted at can result in a paralysed panic which makes matters far worse, but on a boat everything needs to be done quickly, so it's a matter of keeping calm. When you don't know what you should be doing, that's tricky. But I'm hoping the course I'm going to do will help.

Yesterday I went to meet Celia Creeper, the artist who's done paintings of each of the Poldark walks, and is making posters of those. We are to share a book launch/exhibition and I've just finished proofing the book back from the publishers so that's going to the printers today or tomorrow. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm pleased. Or excited. Actually, I've been having such a confidence crisis that I'm filled with anxiety. Is it good enough? Will it make any money? Will people be disappointed? And so on.

The confidence crisis stems from having a lull in work. As anyone who's self employed knows, this is something that happens from time to time. I'm fortunate that I;ve usually had regular work but at the moment I haven't and that fills me with terror. I'm not usually a worrier, but at the moment I lie there at 3am thinking about never having any work again (you know what it's like at 3am), whether I'll have to work in Asda at the checkouts for who else would employ someone of my age and experience?

I keep telling myself that it will pass. And I'm extremely busy - preparing the launch party invitations, organising the venue, working on a talk for the Penzance Literary Festival - all stuff that is time consuming and interesting, but doesn't bring any money in. And this anxiety and lack of confidence seeps into every area of my life. It's like sitting in a pub watching a pint of beer that's spilt on the table, how it soon covers the surface, then slides down the sides, before dripping persistently onto the floor, where it spreads still further. Before you mop it up.

So I guess the motto of this post is to mop up any wobbles before they get any bigger. So here's to happy mopping.

10 comments:

Chris Stovell said...

That's a lovely photo of you! I'm a worrier too so you have my heartfelt sympathies. I haven't been sick on the boat yet but I haven't really been tested in a swell so I worry about what will happen when I do. As for trying to earn a living from writing... well. I hope things settle down for you and your confidence grows again. x

Flowerpot said...

Thanks Chris - I don't worry about being sick (I'm not usually) but about not knowing what to do and getting into trouble because of that. I know you know all about the anxieties associated with writing - thanks for that.

Sally said...

Oh I know how you feel! Thank you for your suggestion that I join you but I suddenly felt anxiety that Patrick would be the tutor again and there is no way I could go through that again! See you on Thursday.x

Flowerpot said...

Sally - ohh I'm so sorry about what you went through. That is just awful. See you tomorrow XX

wannabe a writer said...


Know all to well the 3am worries, but freelance is either feast or famine and I'm sure that you'll soon be so inundated with work that this will all seem like a blip.

Hope the launch goes well.

The boat trip looks fantastic. The scenery looks so beautiful.

Linda

Flowerpot said...

Linda - thanks, reassurance much appreciated! Hope you're well. Sue

ADDY said...

I'm sure everything will be fine. Thoughts in the middle of the night are not the best ones to guide you (although I have some really intelligent brainwaves at 3am and then have forgotten what they were by morning!) You and Moll look really relaxed on the boat.

Flowerpot said...

Addy - 3am thoughts are the worst aren't they? Or at least,my brain's always razor sharp then so like you I have good ideas then, too. But I keep a notepad by the bed as I know they'll be gone by the morning otherwise!

Kim @ Him, Him Me said...

Glad to know I'm not the only one who has those 3 am moments. Like you,I keep a notebook by the bed & scribble things down that are bothering me. Reading my scribbles in the cold light of day, I find that they make little sense or end up being my next shopping list

Flowerpot said...

Kim - I think we all have those 3am thoughts - I quite often write poetry then so it's not all bad, and some of my thoughts can be quite intelligent!!