Wednesday, 1 June 2016
The book, the boat and the wobbles
I have a huge amount to learn, so told Mr B that he must be patient. Being shouted at can result in a paralysed panic which makes matters far worse, but on a boat everything needs to be done quickly, so it's a matter of keeping calm. When you don't know what you should be doing, that's tricky. But I'm hoping the course I'm going to do will help.
Yesterday I went to meet Celia Creeper, the artist who's done paintings of each of the Poldark walks, and is making posters of those. We are to share a book launch/exhibition and I've just finished proofing the book back from the publishers so that's going to the printers today or tomorrow. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm pleased. Or excited. Actually, I've been having such a confidence crisis that I'm filled with anxiety. Is it good enough? Will it make any money? Will people be disappointed? And so on.
The confidence crisis stems from having a lull in work. As anyone who's self employed knows, this is something that happens from time to time. I'm fortunate that I;ve usually had regular work but at the moment I haven't and that fills me with terror. I'm not usually a worrier, but at the moment I lie there at 3am thinking about never having any work again (you know what it's like at 3am), whether I'll have to work in Asda at the checkouts for who else would employ someone of my age and experience?
I keep telling myself that it will pass. And I'm extremely busy - preparing the launch party invitations, organising the venue, working on a talk for the Penzance Literary Festival - all stuff that is time consuming and interesting, but doesn't bring any money in. And this anxiety and lack of confidence seeps into every area of my life. It's like sitting in a pub watching a pint of beer that's spilt on the table, how it soon covers the surface, then slides down the sides, before dripping persistently onto the floor, where it spreads still further. Before you mop it up.
So I guess the motto of this post is to mop up any wobbles before they get any bigger. So here's to happy mopping.