Tuesday, 20 December 2016

Old ghosts

This was sunset at Gylly beach last weekend...

Apologies for silence - time seems to go faster and faster at the moment, and suddenly here it is nearly at the end of 2017, which hasn’t been the easiest of years, but at least has (so far) been devoid of any health scares, losing anyone close to me, or other disasters. Though listening to the news, it’s happening to plenty of other people. And, being Victor Meldrew about it, there are still another 10 days or so to go before the end of the year…!

I am writing this with a slight fuzzy head. A dear friend who has been working in the Med on a superyacht is back and treated me to a drink last night. Then Al came along and bought us another one which was a mistake. I was all right till that last one.… Being small and light, despite eating a lot, I can’t take a lot of booze, but it was a lovely evening. And I slept very well. So that was my Christmas party….

On the plus side, while work has been slow, it has picked up a bit for the end of the year, and my Walks in the Footsteps of Poldark books has been selling well, as have the other books. Moll is snoring on the bed behind me, and she is such a joy in my life. I am fortunate in loving and being loved, albeit in an unconventional fashion. I have wonderful friends who I treasure. I have a roof over my head and I have enough to eat.

And while I have all of this, I still find this a tricky time of year. Last week we had our bring and share Singing lunch, which was great. I then decided to walk Moll along the creek at Mylor, as she’d been sitting in the van waiting for me. This was the walk I did six years ago when the hospital had told me that Pip had two days to live.

Curiously, it was a joyful walk. The sun shone, the air was clear and crisp, and while I couldn’t comprehend a life without my husband, I was glad that at least his suffering was coming to an end. Watching someone go through what he went through was like wandering into someone else’s nightmare, and being unable to get out. So it also meant an end to watching him decline. And I felt so grateful for having had 15 years with this lovely, very special man.

So I set off along the creek with Moll last Thursday all set to enjoy my walk. And it felt all wrong. The sky was grey and mild. It was incredibly muddy so my boots got lagged and it was difficult to walk. Then we came to a field of very unfriendly looking cattle plus bull. I retraced my steps, thought I would then climb up the fields and take the higher path back. Having struggle over more mud lagged fields, the path was nowhere to be seen, but I could hear a farmer shooting in the distance, and rather be his target, we scuttled back down the hill.

And all around me were the ghosts of Christmas past, clamouring for attention. I felt exhausted by the time I got home, from dealing with all these old memories, most of which are difficult ones, dealing with loss. But I met up with a dear friend who cheered me up no end.

A lot of people don’t do what they would choose at Christmas, but that is also part of this time of year. I hope that this time next year things will be different. But in the meantime my mum will be happy that I’m coming up, and that counts for a lot.

So here’s wishing you a happy, healthy, creative and profitable 2017. And to making friends with old ghosts.

12 comments:

Derek Thompson said...

Thank you for sharing such a personal experience. I love this time of year but New Year especially gives me pause to consider those who have left us. May 2017 bring you peace, laughter and adventure.

Sally said...

Sending you love and hugs for Christmas, for a happy new year and - here's to that lunch! 🙂 xx

ADDY said...

Gosh, you must have had a fair bit to drink, if your first sentence is anything to go by - we are at the end of 2016 not 2017! Hahaha. Sorry your walk was plagued by ghosts....Christmas can evoke sad memories. I went to a very emotional Carol Service at our local church on Sunday evening and was knocked sideways when the closing music, as people filed out of the church, was Widor's Toccata - played as hubby and I left the church at my wedding! Wishing you a peaceful Christmas and a happy new year (2017, that is!!) x

Annie said...

I very much relate to your post. My husband of 23 yrs died on Christmas Day, 6 yrs ago. We knew it would happen soon, but on Christmas ??? ! My daughter said, in love and admiration of him, "Way to go....Dad !!" It changed that day for me forever. But we humans are adaptable creatures, aren't we. And sometimes our strength and joy and creativity are born out of a crushing emotional blow. That is if we allow ourselves to grow, to experience, to feel and not be afraid. God bless you....you have a wonderful spirit and I get great pleasure from reading your blog. Happy New Year !

Flowerpot said...

Thanks for wise words, Annie - hope 2017 is a brilliant year for you, too!

Flowerpot said...

Derek - good to hear from you, and yes, I agree, the new year is a time for reflection. I hope 2017 brings you good things, too.

Flowerpot said...

Sally - much love to you too, and for a very happy birthday. We will have that lunch!! XX

Flowerpot said...

Addy - thanks for pointing out my typos! No I wasn't that hungover but I do get confused with dates. Amazing how music can be so evocative, isn't it? Hope you have good festive season and 2017! X

Trubes said...

Just to say hello and wish you a very happy Christmas,
Peace, Joy, Good health and happiness, is wished for you
in the New Year.... and dear little Moll too !
love from Di,xxx

Flowerpot said...

Di - and the very same to you from me and Moll! XX

Chris Stovell said...

Oh gosh, this resonated for me - not because of personal loss, although there are loved ones I mourn for - I just find it a very tough time of year and too full of the past. It's New Year soon and I wish you a very happy one. Cx

Flowerpot said...

Chris - it can be really tough can't but I hope you have a very good new year too, Chris X