Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Spreading my Wings



Living with someone who’s depressed, or ill is difficult. Obviously. If they’re ill AND depressed, it’s even more difficult, but you get on with it. Life goes on and you have to go with it. I hadn't realised just how much Pip's ill health had affected me for it had been going on for 5 years and he had been depressed for a long while before that.

Five months on, I feel I am beginning to emerge from my shell. I have met new people and am able to do so many more things without worrying about Pip or feeling guilty. Over the past few weeks I have stayed out till midnight, gone singing all morning or afternoon and am going to be interviewed on Radio Cornwall on Friday. As long as Mollie is OK (and I make sure she is), I have - to my amazement - had a wonderful time.

I have started a photography course with Pip’s camera. Unfortunately the tutor assumes you know a lot about digital cameras to start with, which I don’t, and I’m finding it difficult to catch up. It’s a huge challenge so I am going to ask a couple of people to help. A friend, who has lent me a whole lot of his photography books, suggested I ask to go out with a photographer and learn on the spot which is a great idea. Life is very busy right now with work and rehearsing for a big gig on the bank holiday weekend, but when that’s over I will do just that.

This weekend I am going up to Bristol to see Matthew Bourne's ballet Cinderella with my dear mate Av and my lovely niece Lucy who’s at university there. Molls is staying with my friend Sheila round the corner and while it’s her first time staying overnight without me, it will do us both good. She and Sheila adore each other and Sheila is wonderful with dogs so I have no worries on that score.

While of course I miss my Pip, he is everywhere around me when I need him and I know he always will be. But now I can see a life opening up. And while there are bound to be many more tough times ahead, it’s good to see the prospect of a life with possibilities. Pip would be delighted, I know.

Last weekend I went on a Bulgarian singing workshop in Marazion. Over 100 men and women sang with this incredible woman for over two hours. As a result I can now sing suggestive songs in Bulgarian. Or I could just be singing “can I have a cuppa”.

30 comments:

Goldenboots said...

Dear Sue,
You are an inspiration. Pip would indeed be proud of you.
Keep singing and spreading your wings.
Love
Sally

Flowerpot said...

Oh Sally you've made me cry! Thanks so much - love Sue x

Morton S Gray said...

Hi,

Lovely to hear you are emerging from the crysalis. Enjoy. Mx

Gusto - Umbrian Wine Tours said...

Sue,

I'm loving reading how you are finding a new place in life for yourself. I know just how hard it is to do that and you are doing it with style and humour. I look forward to hearing more!
Giselle

Flowerpot said...

Giselle - thank you so much! That means a lot. x

Flowerpot said...

Thanks so much Morton! Having had a very low month in April, May seems to be improving. I hope!

ingleheart said...

Dear Sue,
I couldn't agree more with the comments above, you are an inspiration to us all x

Flowerpot said...

Claire - you are such a source of inspiration to me. I can't tell you what a difference our singing has made to me, particularly this year. It's opened up a whole new dimension to my life!

Alcoholic Daze (ADDY) said...

I am so glad you are finding new things to do that fulfil you. It is amazing how we find inner strength after such grief and actually cope better than we imagined. Good for you. ((Hugs)) ...

Flowerpot said...

Addy - it is amazing isn't it? Life is just full of surprises. Hugs to you x

Crystal Jigsaw said...

It goes without saying that you'll be missing Pip, but obviously life has to go on and I'm sure Pip will be smiling as he listens to you sing.

A very heart-felt and positive post, Flowerpot.

Take care, CJ xx

Flowerpot said...

Thanks CJ!

Mother Lover Breadwinner said...

Well Done, you. I think it would be easy to carry guilt about becoming yourself again - something I have struggled with. But ultimately you know that Pip and I know that Michael would want us to be who we are meant to be.
Sarah xx

Flowerpot said...

Sarah - you are quite right. And I don't feel guilty, because I know Pip would want me to be happy, as Michael would you.

Susie Nott-Bower said...

Whst a wonderful post, and how very courageous you are. You are saying YES to life, wholeheartedly and vulnerably, and I wish you many, many more 'flights' with your newly-found wings.
Susie

Flowerpot said...

Susie - I am not at all courageous, but life seems to have thrown these good things my way. I couldn't just ignore them could I? I wish you all the best with your novel and hope you will be very happy wherever you end up. xx

Debs Carr said...

Good for you! x

Flowerpot said...

Thanks, Debs!

Trubes said...

I am so happy for you, that you feel this way FP, you truly are an inspiration to us all.
dear pip would be proud of you, but then, I'm pretty sure he knew that you would carry on with your usual 'joire de vie', it's all in your kind loving soul!
So, keep bright and keep singing,

Di.xx

P.S.As I've not written on my blog site for over a year, for reasons explained, I'm now trying to get back to my usual sardonic self and start writing again.D.x

Flowerpot said...

Di - thanks so much for your comments. Glad to see you back again!

Talli Roland said...

Gosh, you sound busy! It's wonderful that you're seeing a life open up ahead of what's been a really difficult time.

Flowerpot said...

Talli - yes I am busy at the moment but in a really enjoyable way. Be glad to have a bit of time to myself when all this quietens down though!

Philipa said...

Good news, FP. You are indeed an inspiration x

Flowerpot said...

Thank you, Phil. That is very kind indeed. Hope you are OK - haven't heard from you for a while.

Philipa said...

Life is a rollercoaster, FP and sometimes I find it difficult to blog when my tummy is lost over the highs and sinking through the lows. You are an inspiration xx

Akelamalu said...

Having just got back off holiday I have caught up with your posts and they were lovely to read. I'm so glad you are 'living' m'deario and it's great that you have such good friends. xx


I'm busy downloading the 400+ photos we took during our holiday, which I hope to start sharing sometime this week. :)

Flowerpot said...

Sounds like a great holiday, Ak! Look forward to reading all about it....

Flowerpot said...

Phil - sounds like you're having a rough time, though if there are highs, perhaps it's just up and down. I find it easier to blog about things like that as it gets them out. But that's just me!

Bluestocking Mum said...

I think you have to kind of 'use' the good days - the times when you feel more positive and stronger - and make the most of them to carry you through the tougher days.

It sounds as if the gaps between the good and bad days are getting wider and you can see that little chink of light called 'happiness' at the other side...

I think you're marvellous Sue, and am sure Pip will be looking down and smiling at your new found sparkle.

xx

Flowerpot said...

BSM - you're so right. The good energy carries us through the dodgier days. Thanks so much for your encouragement - it makes a big difference!