Thursday, 17 March 2011

This rollercoaster called Life


Three months on – how have I managed that long without him? Though in fact it's six months since Pip was here and we had what passed for a 'normal' life.

But life goes on. I get good days and bad days. Tears are never far from the surface. On good days they recede, like a low spring tide. As I write, they spring to my eyes like leaks and dribble down my cheeks – just as well I don't often wear make up. And yet people say I'm brave, have courage. What does that mean? All I do is get up every morning, though sometimes that is a feat in itself.

Just when I think I am used to him not being here, I get a bad run of Life which makes me acutely aware of my vulnerability – on these days I feel as if I have shed several vital layers of skin. I am aware that I see the world differently. I feel it in another way, but I'm bound to.

This week has been One of Those Weeks. A promised commission from a glossy mag fell through – the editor changed her mind. My youngest brother sent a picture of me and Pip outside a pub in the sunshine last year looking so happy – so unaware of the future. Then my computer got a virus and I couldn't find anyone to fix it for days. And now, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, Bussie has come in with blood pouring off his haunches – a cat fight I suspect - so I am just about to take him to the emergency vet.

But I am also aware of the good things in life. A beautiful day with a pale promise of sun. The unexpected kindness and thoughtfulness of another new friend who makes me laugh and only lives round the corner. "Come in for a cuppa," cries Colin, and his huge beam can't help but make me smile and lifts my spirits. A commission – for work is normal and I badly need that.

My computer is now fixed by a lovely fellow who patiently stayed for hours running scans, told me what to do in future and charged me very little. I have sold Pip's boat to a lovely couple and I know Pip would approve. And always there is my Molls, who patters alongside me and sleeps, glued to my hip. (Right now she is dozing on the bed behind me after a long walk.) For that I am most thankful of all, for she provides me with the love that I need to get through each day.

Last weekend I was privileged to meet a very enterprising man who runs The Chicken Hotel. He has a maths degree, did Finance in the city, became a cabinet maker, got made redundant and retrained as a maths teacher, and now he combines that with his Chicken Hotel. His mind is just like Pip's – inventive, imaginative, flexible and a great sense of humour. Meeting him, and those lovely chickens, was a real tonic. So you see? There's often something unexpected round the corner.....

And just when I had another of Those Days – my dear brother in law rang to say he'd chopped up six bags of the wood I'd collected. Some women like chocolate. Some like bags, some shoes.

Give me some wood for the fire and I'm a happy bunny.

31 comments:

Vermont Designs said...

Oh s**t, SIL. Sobbing in sync. 3000 mile hugs don't quite do it.

Alcoholic Daze (ADDY) said...

It's a long road but you will get through. One day at a time. Sending you hugs.......(((()))))

Colette McCormick said...

All you can do is breathe and get through each day the best you can. You're doing a great job so far.

Flowerpot said...

Oh Shelagh - I'm OK, really. But thanks for the hugs!

Flowerpot said...

Thanks Addy - I am getting there. Next week must be better.

Flowerpot said...

Colette - thanks for that. Things haven't been too bad - this week has just been a bit fraught. But we all get weeks like that.

Debs Carr said...

I think you're doing incredibly well and hopefully soon there'll be more good days than bad.

I do hope Bussie is okay and that it looks worse than it actually is.

Thinking of you.x

Jane Lovering said...

Keep going. You are doing all the right things, enjoying the small stuff, taking fun where you find it, and letting yourself grieve.

May Spring send you sunshine and a spring in your step!

Flowerpot said...

Jane - and the sun is out here and I have a lovely bunch of anemones on my desk - such cheerful little faces!

Pat Posner said...

Back in Oct 2008 I posted a picture on my blog along with a quote from Samuel Taylor Coleridge: "Friendship is a Sheltering Tree".

You've got your own Sheltering Tree here in blogland, Flowerpot, shelter beneath it when you feel sad, celebrate under it on the good days and know all its branches are your friends in blogland.

Flowerpot said...

Debs - Thanks. Bussie has been stitched up and just waiting to go and pick him up. The Bill for the last cat fight cost me about £250!

Flowerpot said...

PS - The downside of male cats is that they pick fights. Girl cats don't - or not the ones I've had!

Flowerpot said...

Pat - that is just lovely. Thank you so much. I will indeed do that!

Liane Spicer said...

((())), FP.

Flowerpot said...

Liane - exactly! I'm looking forward to next week.....

Claire Wilson said...

One day at a time.Today might be better. I hope today is better.
Big hug,
Claire x

Flowerpot said...

Claire - sorry I deleted your comment by mistake. But thanks for the hugs and see you soon!

Akelamalu said...

It's very early days yet honey. Take one day at a time. I'm thinking of you. xx

Flowerpot said...

Thanks Ak. I'm feeling better today - just had a build up of things going wrong!

Talli Roland said...

There's nothing quite so comforting as a crackling fire, is there. Thinking of you.

Mother Lover Breadwinner said...

You have to accept that your 'new normal' (as we like to call it) will include moments, days, weeks and months like this.
I'm always confused by the 'you're so brave' comments - what do people expect you to do? Curl up into a ball and never speak again? How does that pay the mortgage or make you feel any better?
Hugs xx

Flowerpot said...

Talli - I've got a woodburner so it doesnt tend to crackle so much but it is a source of great comfort as well as warmth!

Flowerpot said...

MLB - yes it does and like you I do get confused by comments of my courage. I suppose some people do just curl up under the duvet - as I did this morning - but Mollie dragged me out!

SARINA said...

Animals are not just our best companions, but they also sense our moods and feelings, then often know instinctively how to make us smile again. Your Molls is tonic to your heart. Bless you both!!

Flowerpot said...

Sarina - thanks - she certainly is! And lying in a patch of sun at the moment as I will be shortly...

Manchester Lass, Now and Then said...

I read a quote in the wee hours this morning and straightaway I thought of you.

People are concerned with tomorrow; the future; whereas today is what matters.
Live today fully and with no regrets and you will be ready for the morrow.
Remember also that tomorrow is not promised to any of us, for we may be snatched from this world at any time.

So true FP♥ I catch myself thinking of you and wondering how you are xx Thankfully you have Molls and Bussie (an expensive Bussie at that!) to love and comfort you. LOL to you all Linda xxx

Flowerpot said...

Linda - thanks so much for your thoughts and that lovely quote which I haven;'t read for ages and it is so true. Good timing indeed! Bit wobbly as have just sold Pip's boat but Molls and Bussie and good friends all helping as is lovely brother in law.xx

Crystal Jigsaw said...

It just shows how grateful we should be for every day we have together. I guess these weeks will surface from time to time, but do get through them.

Take care, CJ xx

Flowerpot said...

CJ - absolutely. It's like swimming underwater. Take a deep breath and go. But we should all try to be grateful for what we ahve - not easy as we all take things and people for granted.

Bluestocking Mum said...

Your Brother in law sounds a diamond.

Wood every time for me over chocolate. There's nothing like the wood burner/ real fire. Good for the soul too.


xx

Flowerpot said...

Bluestocking - Pete is just wonderful.And glad to find another wood appreciator! xx