Monday, 17 September 2007

Recipe for a happy marriage

The U3A brigaade weren’t going whale watching, after all (that’s what happened last year), but on a sedate adventure to Le Havre and back via Scilly. A wonderful trip, you would think, in balmy weather (or it was on Saturday when they left). But I’ve never come across such a disgruntled, unhappy lot. Intelligent, they may have been, but possessed not a scrap of common sense.

They questioned having to leave their passports in the purser’s office (standard procedure), moaned about having to take their own hand luggage on board, and we were all pleased to see the back of them. My smile was stretched to breaking point by 2.30pm, when I somehow managed to say to one particularly obnoxious couple, ‘have a LOVELY trip.’

The husband looked up at me and suddenly shut up. He could probably see the venom emanating from my nostrils.

I was telling Himself this on Saturday evening. Then, as things do after a much need visit to the pub, it turned into a Philosophical Discussion which went like this. (Stop reading now if you are easily offended.)

‘We come from a fairly doomed family,’ said Himself. (You can tell he’d had a few Large Ones.)

‘You mean you’re fxxxed?’ I asked.

‘Well, our home environment was hardly inspirational.’ He paused. ‘Meeting you was –’ he paused and scratched his balls. ‘I don’t want to drop myself in it,’ he said at last and took another fortifying gulp of wine.

I waited for him to do just that.

‘I think I was ready – like a piece of beef – for a different kind of life.’

‘A piece of beef?’ I snorted. ‘No wonder I don’t eat much meat.’

He looked up and those blue eyes twinkled. ‘I spent all my life in the sh*t, Flowerpot. Since I met you, these last 11 years, it’s just the depth that’s changed.’

I could see this conversation wasn’t going quite the way I had been expecting.

‘I’ve been in it closely up to my nostrils,’ he said, clearly getting whimsical. ‘Since I met you it’s got up to the top of my ears, but I probably got oxygen from somewhere.’

I giggled at the thought of him, like a pig in clover – except that it wasn’t clover of course. He caught my look and grinned. ‘I’m calling on my expertise for scuba driving,’ he said, slurring just a little bit as he poured himself another generous glass of wine.

‘Scuba driving?’

He grinned. ‘Yes, scuba driving. That accounts for my survival. Either that or I can hold my breath for up to 11 years.’

I can see the headlines now. SCUBA DRIVING! THE NEW SPORT FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE!

22 comments:

Mid-lifer said...

Aw Flowerpot - men say the loveliest of things!

I love your account of the U3A trip.

Flowerpot said...

Thanks Mid-Lifer - good to see you around again!

Em said...

I find it so funny when blokes are drunk and say what they think are really profound statements that illustrate the depth of their love for you. Some of the stuff they come out with...

Well done for staying so patient with the old dears. I know I would probably have had to resort to veiled insults..

Flowerpot said...

I did resort to veiled insults, Em! I just didnt mention all of them in this post!! And yes I quite agree - Himself always gets really maudlin when he's drunk.

Lesley Rigby said...

Those blue eyes sound nice! Aren't you the lucky one?

Flowerpot said...

Hello Lesley and hope you had a good break! I know from your son's blog what a lovely welcome you had from Tilly!
As for HImself's eyes - well, they are the best bit of him. I won't go into further details just yet...

Fiona said...

I've been meaning to drop by to say how much I love Molly. I have three JRT's...all recycled and I take them to work with me.

Flowerpot said...

Fiona - how good to meet you - another writer and JR mum as well. Good luck with the novel. I've been scribbling notes on my new one all morning and have a brain seething with ideas which is a great relief after weeks of nothing!

Lesley Rigby said...

Flowerpot - Don't believe a word of it - I was VERY careful to keep my mouth shut! Wouldn't you?

Lane said...

Men and drink eh. They're such girls:))

x

Rebecca Taunton said...

I don't think I could have been as patient with the U3A lot as you FP. But all good copy, I suppose (if you wanted a really irritating character)?

A good re-telling of "himself's" drink-encouraged conversation.

Flowerpot said...

lesley - glad to hear your mouth was shut at the time!! Yes I certainly would, no matter how much I love Mollie!

lane - yes, he's always been ilke this so I know the signs well.

RT - I wasn't that patient, I started getting very snappy then realised I really wasn't being very professional. The urge to say F off had to be swallowed more than once!

The Rotten Correspondent said...

You have far more patience than me, Flowerpot. I'd have kinked up his breathing apparatus.

Akelamalu said...

When you hear what comes out of their mouths you wonder what's really going on in their heads don't you?

Crystal Jigsaw said...

My husband doesn't touch a drop. I dread to think what he would say if he did!

Crystal xx

julia said...

Strange how a 'lovely' word can drip with another sentiment entirely when called for. And I quite like 'Scuba Driving'. He's come up with a whole new receational sport.

Graham, Prince & Tilly said...

We're not always great at saying the right thing are we....?

Livvy U. said...

Sounds like, really, you have a bloody good relationship! This post wouldn't have been funny if you didn't, it would have been as maudlin as he was, and considering divorce... Who knows what makes us tick, and stick together, who knows. A mystery, but a good one. x

Miss Understood said...

If that wasn't as funny as it was, it would have been really sad!

Flowerpot said...

correspondent - well, that did occur to me but I don't have the necessary nursing skills.

Ak - I think the answer to that is Not Very Much.

Crystal - in that case you are very lucky having a sober husband. I'd like to try it sometime but seem to have picked one from the wrong bunch...

Julia - yes, perhaps this could be another new one for the Olympics.

graham - I hope your talents are better than Himself's. They couldnt be worse!

Flowerpot said...

livvy - I think there is a very fine line between a good relationship and one that goes over the brink. It doesn't take much. Luckily I was in a good mood that night! I quite like watching him make a complete balls up of it. Then I can remind him the next day. Or broadcast it to the world, as I have here. So I get my own back.

MissU - I think you've hit the nail on the head.

jessie said...

On our anniversary, my husband told me that the past 12 years had felt like 12 minutes.

Under water.