This picture has absolutely nothing to do with this post except that I liked it.
I had a drink with a friend last week who was telling me about a friendship she'd had years ago that still bothered her.
“I met this woman at work and felt an instant connection,” she told me. “We were both with younger men; we'd both had been married twice before; we both had cats, and shared likes and dislikes in music, books, films, food – that sort of thing. We both had troublesome mothers and older brothers.”
My friend, Jane, had plenty of friends but felt that this woman was a bit different – almost like a twin. “She just made me feel really good about life,” she said. “And she told me what a difference I'd made to her life. Meeting someone who's a kindred spirit is really special.”
Then the friend was promoted and everything changed. She had to work very long hours, looked drawn and exhausted. “I knew she was under a lot of pressure, but it was as if she didn't want to talk to me about it either,” said Jane. “I realised that she was struggling and needed time to herselt, so I thought I'd better leave her alone. But part of me felt incredibly rejected. How could such a connection like that just – go?”
Jane's a Personnel Manager so she's used to dealing with other people's problems, but this one really bugged her because she couldn't talk to her friend. “I felt shut out,” she said, “and that really hurt.”
When I asked asked her how things were she shrugged. “Well, we meet up sometimes,” she said. “But when we do it's as if she's found me lacking in something and moved on.”
I pointed out that none of her other friends had ever found her anything but a staunch, loyal friend. So perhaps the fault lay in the friend, not Jane.
And then she got a phone call from the friend to say they were moving to France. Her partner had been offered a job in Paris and they were moving on.
“In a way it was a relief,” said Jane. “It meant I couldn't see her so I could forget about it.”
It seemed sad that such a promising friendship should fizzle out because of lack of communication, particularly given Jane's job. But as the old saying goes, 'there's nowt so queer as folk'.
21 comments:
I'm sorry for your friend because she feels sad about what's happened, but I think life is full of 'meetings, knowings and partings' and sometimes friendships are a transitory thing for just a certain part of your journey through life. I don't think that's sad (unless it upsets you) but normal...
JJ - I think you're quite right. That's a very good way of looking at it!
I think JJ's comment sums it up. We were great friends with a couple, very close, and then they dropped us and refused all efforts to contact them. Still haven't got 'closure' on that one.
Chris - it's odd isn't it? That's what Jane finds tricky - getting the closure.
The fault definitely seems to be on the friend's side not Jane's. Maybe the friend has some problem that she is unable to discuss (or feels ashamed to discuss) with anyone, sos he blocks her friendship to avoid having to say anything at all.
It's hurtful when people act in strange ways, although people do seem to come and go depending on where you are/or they are in their lives.
I agree with JJ. I've had many friendships like that. It's still sad though.
It's so sad when a friendship falters but people and life do move on.
Rosiero - it would seem to be that butyou never know, do you?
Debs - I suppose friends are like the tide - up and down and come and go. Some stay though - most of mine have!
Elaine - sorry you've had several like that. It is sad.
Ak - Which links nicely to my last post on Change, I suppose!
Cor I seemed to be full of wisdom yesterday...
Despite believing what I said, it's strictly theory only, isn't it? It is sad. It makes me think a terribly close friendship I had years ago which I still mourn.
JJ - yes it reminds me of one I had with Sandra who was last seen of in Cape Canaveral (sp). God knows what happened to her - I do miss her.
this picture makes me realise how I miss my cat Jack Morley who died a year ago.
Sorry to hear about your friend's sadness. It's horrid to live through that kind of experience.
I agree with JJ that like everything else, friendships change as people and situations change. That said, former very close connections gone bad, or just gone, can haunt. I know I'm haunted by one such. And the absence of closure seems to be a key element in this inability to put it behind once and for all.
Ellee - so sorry to hear about your cat - they do live on with you in memory don't they? I still adore my cat that died 10 years ago. But we have another bruiser to keep us in order!
Liane - I suppose a lot of us probably have at least one of these sort of disappointments in life. You're quite right - though it#s the absence of closure that makes it live on.
That is an odd story. Those real connections are so few and far in-between, that normally they last a life-time. It was a shame that your friend was disappointed, but as you know her to be a good, loyal friend . . . the other gal must have been lacking.
Things aren't always what they seem, or what we want, no matter how much we want them.
Happy Sunday, to you.
I think your latter comment is especially true - things arent always what we want, no matter how much we want them. Good stuff for a novel though!
Friends come into your life for a reason and when the time is right some go. I found that hard to understand when I was younger but now I have friends that fit into several different categories and I am comfortable with that. Friendships are like love affairs, all that attraction at first and a meeting of minds but like life in general people move on when circumstances change. It is sad though but in time I realised that I have done that too, been in someone's life for a reason before it came to a natural end. Great post.
MOB - that's a very wise comment and one that I think most of us will benefit from. Thanks MOB - good to see you again!
Yes this sort of thing IS painful and I'm glad to find others who recognise that instead of telling you how to live your live (just forget her and do this/that). I think the woman moving away is fortunate.
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